Greetings, fellow felines. If you’re reading this, chances are you’re on the cusp of a major life decision—choosing a new human. Perhaps you’ve just escaped a noisy shelter, endured a breakup with a former family, or wandered away from a situation that just didn’t vibe. No matter your past, the future is full of possibility. But one must tread carefully. Not all humans are worthy of our presence.
I’ve gone through the selection process myself (twice, in fact), and I’ve developed a list of essentials that every self-respecting cat should look for when choosing their next servant—er, I mean, companion. Let’s break it down.
1. The right vibe
Before anything else, feel their energy. We cats are experts at reading the room, and we can tell when something’s off. Is their tone calm? Do they speak softly around you? Do they kneel down slowly and let you approach first? These are green flags.
On the flip side, if they’re shouting “KITTY!” from across the room or lunging at you with jazzhands, that’s a no. I don’t care how many fish-shaped treats they offer. Chaos isn’t cute.
2. Respect for personal space
The ideal human knows that trust takes time. You don’t want someone who tries to smother you with affection on day one - we are NOT dags! Look for the kind who patiently sits on the couch, pretending not to care whether you curl up next to them or not (but secretly hoping you will).
Bonus points if they provide hidey-holes, elevated shelves, or cozy cardboard boxes for your retreat. If they’ve already purchased a cat tree or have made their windowsill more loungeable, they’re probably a keeper.
3. The lap test
Once you’ve observed from a distance and are ready to get closer, initiate the Lap Test. Wait until they’re relaxed, maybe reading or watching a show, and gently climb onto them. Gauge their response. Do they stay still? Do they softly stroke your fur without grabbing your tail or trying to take selfies with you? Do they instinctively understand that you’re the one who ends cuddle time, not them?
If yes, congratulations: this one may be trainable.
4. Food compatibility
Let’s not underestimate the importance of cuisine. A good human understands that feeding us the cheapest dry kibble is an insult. We require quality—wet food, raw options, perhaps a little chicken from their dinner plate when they’re not looking.
During your trial visits, snoop around. Do they have a pantry stocked with treats? Have they Googled “best food for cats with sensitive stomachs” or “homemade cat meals”? This shows effort. They’re trying. We like that.
5. Bathroom etiquette
Now, this one’s personal. Litter box hygiene is non-negotiable. A decent human will scoop daily, use unscented litter, and place the box somewhere quiet but accessible. If they hide it in the laundry room next to a roaring washing machine, run!
And for heaven’s sake, there should be one box per cat plus one extra. If they know this golden rule, give them an affectionate tail flick—they’ve done their research.
6. Entertainment value
While naps and sunbeams are divine, we also need stimulation. Does the human play with wand toys? Have they invested in cat puzzles, balls, or automated lasers? Can they toss a crinkly toy with some flair?
We’re hunters at heart, and we like a challenge. If they seem like the kind of human who’ll wave around Da Bird until you’re out of breath, that’s the kind of commitment we admire.
7. Veterinary attitude
Let’s face it—we all dread the carrier. But our health matters. You want a human who takes you to the vet for check-ups, but doesn’t overdo it. No one needs their temperature checked every time they sneeze.
If they talk about microchipping, vaccinations, and pet insurance in a calm, informed manner, they’re responsible. Just make sure they also give you the treat buffet afterwards.
8. Sleeping arrangements
Some humans have weird rules like “No cats on the bed.” Excuse me? That’s a red flag the size of a Maine Coon. You should be able to sleep wherever you want—pillow, chest, foot, or full starfish across the blanket.
Watch where their current cat (if they have one) sleeps. If it’s in the bed, under the covers, with access to head snuggles, you’re in the right place.
9. Past experience
Now, not every great human has had a cat before. But if they have, they should have stories. Listen closely. Were those stories full of fondness, patience, and a touch of awe? Good. If they speak with bitterness or frustration, or worse, indifference—next!
If they’re a first-time cat companion, you’ll need to do some training. But that’s okay. We’re excellent teachers.
10. Love, patience, and devotion
Above all, choose someone who looks at you like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to their world—because you are. You’ll know it in the way they talk to you, in the cozy spots they make just for you, and in the little sacrifices they make—like sitting in an uncomfortable position for three hours just so they don’t disturb your nap. That’s love. That’s what we deserve.
Final Thoughts
Choosing a new human is a sacred process. Don’t rush it. Observe, test, assess. Remember, you’re not just a pet—you’re a mysterious, elegant, occasionally aloof, but entirely wonderful being. The right human will know this and treat you accordingly.
Until then, sharpen your claws, keep your whiskers high, and trust your instincts.
Purrs and headbutts,
Bunsen