NOTE: AUTHOR SHOULD BE PIPSQUEAK NOT JASON
Hello there, fellow whiskered wanderers and pint-sized fluffballs! I’m Pipsqueak, a proud and perpetually snack-seeking gerbil. As a small furry mammal who has spent many seasons observing humans and the wild choices they make, I feel it’s time we flipped the script. Why should they always choose us? It’s about time we became the choosers. After all, picking the right human is one of the most important decisions of our tiny lives.
Here are my thoughts (based on intense scurrying and careful sniffing) on how to choose the perfect human companion.
1. Cage placement is everything
Humans think they choose where our enclosure goes, but wise fuzzballs know to subtly influence this process. Before signing on with a new human, check their home setup. Is the cage going to be placed next to a drafty window? Bad sign. Is it in a quiet but central part of the home where you’ll still get plenty of stimulation without chaos? Excellent.
Ideal humans place us where we can observe the daily happenings—near a reading nook, perhaps, or a calm living room. Avoid humans who intend to banish you to the laundry room or, even worse, a child’s closet.
2. The snacking situation
This one’s non-negotiable. A potential human must demonstrate a firm understanding of our dietary preferences. Seeds, pellets, fresh vegetables—yes, please. Chocolate cake, dog kibble, or “a single almond once a week”? Hard pass.
Advanced mammals can conduct what I call a “treat test.” If you twitch your nose adorably and the human responds with a blueberry or a sliver of carrot? Keeper. If they stare blankly or Google “Do rodents eat spaghetti?”—you may want to keep looking.
3. Handling habits and personal space
Let’s be real: not all humans understand the sacred importance of paws-off time. Some mean well but treat us like plush toys. Others are nervous and skittish, which makes us nervous and skittish.
Look for a human with a gentle hand, slow movements, and a kind voice. The ideal human respects your boundaries but also knows how to offer a comforting cuddle when the time is right. Bonus points if they instinctively know to let you climb onto their hand instead of swooping in like a hawk.
4. Cleanliness vs chaos
Humans have a wide spectrum when it comes to habitat hygiene. Some obsessively scrub every inch of your space daily—no thanks, that’s my scent you’re wiping away! Others forget entirely and leave your bedding untouched for a month—also no good.
You want a human who understands the balance. Regular cleanings, yes, but with some of your familiar smells left intact for comfort. If you spot a potential owner casually wiping down a surface and organizing your bedding with gloves, give them a whisker twitch of approval.
5. Do they speak “Squeak”?
Not literally (though that would be impressive), but do they listen to you? A good human pays attention to your cues. If you thump your back legs, they pause and investigate. If you’re burrowing under the bedding, they don’t immediately assume you’re lost. If they notice when you’re sluggish or scratching more than usual, that’s a good sign they’ll care for your health.
Being heard is just as important for small mammals as it is for large ones. Make sure your human is a good listener.
6. Other pets: Know your housemates
Let’s talk roommates. Not all cohabitants are equal, and when choosing a new human, it’s vital to take stock of the other animals in the burrow.
- Cats: Let’s be honest—most of them want to eat us. Sure, some are lazy sunbathers with no ambition, but others are fast, furry missiles with razor paws. Proceed with extreme caution. Your human should keep you in a secure enclosure with a lockable lid and ensure the feline is never unsupervised in your area.
- Dogs: Mixed reviews. Some are curious but clueless, others bark loud enough to give you heart palpitations. Small or elderly dogs who ignore your cage can be fine, but humans must be trained not to allow sniffing, pawing, or howling contests within earshot.
- Other rodents: This depends. Another gerbil of the same gender? Great—bonding time! A hamster? Meh, loners. Rabbits? They’re big, aloof, and tend to hog the spotlight. If your human has experience with multi-rodent households and proper setups, this can work. If not, beware the “cute group cage” trap (we all know how that ends).
- Birds: Danger disguised as melody. Their claws are sharp, their beaks are sharp, and they can fly. A well-behaved budgie in another room is one thing; a free-roaming parrot with an attitude is another.
If your prospective human says things like, “Oh, don’t worry—he never bites!” while gesturing to a Siamese cat perched above your future enclosure, consider that a red flag. Or red pawprint.
7. The vet factor
It’s awkward to bring up, but healthcare matters. Check whether your potential human has already searched “exotic pet vet near me.” A truly committed human will have a vet lined up before you even move in. If they hesitate when asked about emergency procedures, start twitching your tail in disapproval.
Also—important—see how they react to poop. It’s everywhere. If they flinch, gag, or act surprised, they’re not ready. You need a human who accepts that poop is part of the package.
8. The emotional connection
Here’s the soft and fuzzy truth: the best humans aren’t just about food and enclosures. They genuinely like us. They sit by our cage and talk to us about their day. They smile when we clean our faces or do a dramatic leap from one shelf to another. They mourn when we go and remember us for years.
Don’t settle for a “just for the kids” or “impulse buy” human. Look for one who sees you as a friend, not a footnote.
Final thoughts from Pipsqueak
Choosing a human is no small decision, friends. We may be tiny, but our hearts are mighty and full of love to give—to the right person. So take your time. Observe. Nibble thoughtfully. And when you find that one human who gets your quirks, respects your quiet moments, and offers the occasional oat flake with a smile…?
Well, then you’ve found your forever home.
Stay fluffy,
Pipsqueak